ok, i know i'm never on this anymore, but i haven't really had any reason to.  i have no job....  got let go because they couldn't afford to keep me anymore.  i've had completely no luck finding a new job.  and i'm getting depressed. 

things with my sweetie are perfect.  we never really fight.  we get along so well.  it's great!  when we have all the kids here (15, 13 and 8 year old plus my almost 4 year old), i tend to question my sanity.  i'm not ready for that many kids and teenagers no less.....

but i love the guy, so what can i say?

anyway. 

nothing else.  sad life....

we set a date for the wedding!!!!  June 4, 2005. 

damn, i'm in love.

the more time i spend with him, the happier i am.  the more i KNOW.

  i'm now writing from my new place...  in the room that i share with the greatest guy on earth.  he's not here, unfortunately - he's working.  but he'll come home to me tonight. 

so yeah, everything went pretty well.  it was cold as a witch's tit the whole weekend moving.  but we got so much stuff moved in.  the bathroom and Kaylie's room are completely done (she LOVES her own room!  and she's almost gotten the sleeping-on-her-own thing mastered).  the kitchen is pretty close.  and the rest is chaos. 

my ex-boyfriend came over tonight.  what the hell, you ask?  well, he still have a relationship with my daughter - he was around her from the time she was 6 months old, and she thinks of him as like a father...  and he thinks of her much the same.  it's hard for me, as seeing him brings back lots of painful memories...  but at the same time, i'm learning to deal with it.

so anyway, he came over to see her and the new place.  and had pretty much all good things to say.  he met Jay, and said he seemed like a great guy.  he seemed to hit it off with Jay's son Mike, who's 15.  but who knows what that all means, because this guy is the type to kiss ass to your face and trash you behind your back...

oh well.  the reason i actually brought it up was because he reminded me that the town we moved to was part of the night he hit me...    long story short, he and a buddy spent an entire 13 hours drinking (more or less).  at the end of the night, i tried to drive his jeep, and i can't drive stick which it was, and he freaked out, pulled me out of the driver's seat, dragged me around to the other side, and threw me into the passenger side of the jeep. 

ok, so i was stupid enough to give him a second chance after that, and i never should have...  but whatever...

so yeah, he brings up that part of that night occurred right here in DeForest.  and when i was coming home from the grocery store later on, we passed by the bowling alley we went to that night, and the whole thing kind of hit me again.  i started shaking.  i kept pretty good control because Kaylie was in the car with me...  but we got back, i took her inside, and came back out to get the groceries and started sobbing....

should it still hurt?  he has told me many times since that night that he never meant to hurt me, and has no idea what happened.  he tells me now that all he ever wanted was for me to be happy, no matter what it took to make me happy (and he says now that he's glad Jay makes me happy)...

but i thought this guy was the world.  and after that happened, i tried to make it work but it never did.  and it hurts me still....  i gave him so much.  and he always told me, over and over, that he was so much better than any other guy and i would never find another guy who would be so good to me or put up with as much as he had to....

god, now i can look back at all of it and just laugh.  because i know it was manipulation, and total bullshit.... 

god, am i glad i have Jay in my life.  he IS the real thing, not because he tells me any shit like that, but because he has proved it day in and day out.

ok, it's cold and late and i'm tired....  this whole moving and settling in and adjusting to new life is exhausting....

i'll be back again soon...  maybe!  =P